I feel a certain level of elevation in my personal life, emotional maturity and my career…can’t quantify it but let’s just say that the intellectual wisdom of experience and age has clicked a full click…maybe a click that was in motion for the past couple of years finished it’s cycle or a click for the next cycle started but there was definitely a click. Things seemed more obvious, people seemed painfully obviously fake…or not (I wonder if they realize how easy it is to tell and if they even care that it is easily told about them). Life and death made a more emphatic appearance. I lost a dear friend in a tragic, unfair car accident and that made me realize how important my time here on Earth is. That led to a few positives and a few negatives. Positives: I started shaving off people I knew were dead weight in my life, no mutual benefit of being friends…pure time sucks…parasites which you can accumulate a lot of living in LA. I became more aware of working on my passion projects, including my family and the absolute loves of my life. I became more impatient with things needing to happen sooner rather than later…after all, it might all just end so soon. But then my mother, as always chimed her voice of reason, “if it ends, then you won’t need all this that you are vehemently working for anyway!” Simple. Straight. To-the-point.
I received recognition from film organizations as a writer/director. My work climbed a notch of professionalism. I was sought after based on my work and not on my personal vouching of my work. That could be for various reasons…either I had paid enough dues for someone to bother to take me seriously…or my finessing of my projects finally caused them to give the odd sparkle…or I had just been around long enough for the searching eye to land on me in its usual probabilistic search sweep. I guess I started believing in the myth of “stick around for a while, and it will happen”. I don’t know whatever it was, all I know is that I was grateful but I also realized how much farther I had to go. That further caused a few more worries: When will I get to the metaphorical “there” and if I do end up somehow getting “there”, will there be a further “there”. I realized…of course there will be. I somehow knew it but it “clicked” more definitely just now and I have to admit, it makes me uneasy.
I always knew I had signed myself up for a harder, envied by most and supported by few, ‘follow your dreams’ career. I implicitly knew that the struggle would be for a lifetime in one essence or another but now I wonder if I am really up for so much inertial motion that filmmaking is all about. It seems that it doesn’t really get easier for your 2nd or 3rd or 4th film…eh…I figure I might as well make the 1st before over-analyzing but I tell you folks, that is a small eddy current somewhere in the back of my over-stressed and under-worked brain.
I did get patient in other ways. In collaborations, in friendships, in expectations but I do have a long way to go.
I collected many a wonderful moments in 2009 so the regrets are not too many. Here is what I want from 2010:
– a quantum leap forward in my career in that I want to have the luxury of being able to put my all into my upcoming film JOSH, in terms of time and energy
– more time with my family and closest friends.
– maintaining my health-conscious diet but including more workout.
– not losing my loved ones.
– enjoying life. Just stopping and breathing. Smiling and really feeling. That’s something I feel I never do enough of…I know it but I just don’t practice it as much as I would like to.
– not giving a flying **** about people who never really cared about you. Flipping off bad karma and bad energy.
– being around less fake people and being even more fine with speaking my mind.
– having faith…in Allah, existence, karma and all the amazing things about being alive!