You know what I just realized these past couple of months since I came back to LA. I realized that really, even the closest of the closest people I have known and whom I thought knew me inside and out, don’t really know me…I say that because sometimes, when they are surprised by an accomplishment or achievement or disappointed by the lack of thereof, I wonder, didn’t they already see that coming?
It made me scared, because it made me realize that I basically have to prove to them, prove to everyone what I can or cannot do because they don’t really know what to expect…as they have shown it by their surprise or awe or sigh, recently.
I have realized that only I know what I am capable of and that is a hard one..because in order to materialize something which I know I can do, I have to be constantly positive and focused and strong and BELIEVE…that’s the hard one because every now and then, when you lose a bit of faith, you look to people around you to restore that back into you but now that I already know that a lot of these people don’t really know what to expect from me anyway, any of their consolation becomes hard to fully trust and accept.
Wow, I guess I am on my own…maybe because I didn’t communicate well enough to anyone to help out in the storms…so that when the tank up there goes blank and confused, someone else can say, “Iram, right here…” But I don’t think that’s it, I am beginning to realize, no matter how well-informed you keep everyone around you, their understanding of you depends on them more than you. People who care to know me, know me in a first blink and others, don’t know me in a decade.
It is scary to know that you can only depend on yourself…somewhat strengthening and somewhat jolting…